sobota | Entries tagged with cheer up emo kid

If I could sum up my life so far in one word, it would be: disappointing. Disappointment? Disillusionment? I have not had a single good thing happen in my life ever. There have been happy 'moments' in my life, but in general the overall trajectory of my life has been a series of stupid mistakes, bad decisions, and failure. I guess I was never meant to amount to anything, anyway.

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I don't make new years' resolutions, and I tried to do the 101 in 1001, but I already know that I won't make any of that. I'm so terrible at sticking to goals. I'm just as fat as I've ever been, I oscillate between biting/not-biting nails, and I'm just...a lazy, stupid, fat, awful person. Sorry. I know you're supposed to be all positive about your life, no matter what, but I can't do that and be honest about it.

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"Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is when you want what someone else has."

I am not a jealous person. I have nothing to give and therefore nothing anyone would want. I am however a very envious person. I envy people's happiness and their lives on a daily basis. I know it's horrible and an ugly emotion to keep harbouring but I honestly can't help it.

How do you deal with jealousy and envy? How do you keep it from consuming you?

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I don't think it's much of a secret that I'm terribly unhappy 99% of my life. I think it's because I've never really found a 'home'. By that I mean I've never found a place where I am very, very comfortable.

Well, that's exaggerating. London and Lyon, in England and France respectively, are two places where I can see myself living and creating what I think of as home. Now, I am not sure what that will look like, because I'm not there, but...it's all I can think about. My ever spare daydreaming moment is me in one of those cities, and I will be unhappy until I get there.

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1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
Worked in a call centre? Became a spanish teacher?

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions, but I am starting the 101 things in 1001 days on 1 Jan 2013.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A coworker and the daughter of my mum's best friend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Unfortunately, yes.

5. What countries did you visit?
The UK.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Some semblance of happiness. At all. With anything.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
5 June 2012, for so many reasons.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Winning national novel writing month.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The whole rest of the year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Anything bad?
I caught pneumonia in November.

( and the rest )

Current Mood: sad

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you are the big rocket launcher

and i'm just the shotgun

Variations on a Theme

Progress (?)

Jealousy

Happiness and Home

2012 in meme

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